Lessons in Love: What Marriage Counseling taught me

The reality is that there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship or marriage- I don’t care what anybody says! The idea that it should not feel like work is bull and trust me when I say that no Clair and Cliff Huxtable, Carl and Harriette Winslow, or even Michelle and Barrack Obama love can exist without consistent work and effort. According to blackdemographics.com marriage has been a declining institution among all Americans and this decline is even more evident in the African American community.”

The misconception seems to be that when two people “love” each other things should just flow, right? The expectation is that assuming the position as husband and wife should not need guidance or evaluation. She should naturally be this amazing wife and him be an extraordinary husband, right? After all there’s that manual made available to everyone, right? NOT!

Well for me, OUR truth is that our love isn’t perfect- he’s no flawless husband and I’m no impeccable wife! We’ve been blessed to see a marriage counselor to help us through some tough times. Having a neutral party present to talk us through our misunderstandings has helped us to be the best versions of ourselves- to and for each other. This experience has been life changing and I’m mastering this wife life by applying some of my favorite aphorisms.

CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES

I never used to back down from the opportunity to remind him that I’ve got a voice- That I’m strong, I’m woman, and if I really wanted to, I could do it by myself. I would go word for word and toe to toe but quite frankly, it was exhausting. Now, I save my energy for something worth speaking my opinion for. We’ve both implemented that as a couple and more often now we either back off or don’t even start.

REMEMBER WHY YOU STARTED

I think I fell in love with my husband while in college. I walked into him cleaning his room while listening to Kem. Forget the fact that he was cleaning is room, but whew chile, HE WAS LISTENING TO KEM! LOL! We love a lot of the same music-same things, he understands me (which is why I share just about everything with him), and during a time when I almost lost my life- he never left my side. Despite my flaws, he loves me unconditionally and is my biggest cheerleader. 

LET IT GO

I don’t know if there is anyone better at giving the silent treatment than me. If need be, I can wake up every morning, channel my inner petty and go on not talking to someone, especially him FOR DAYS! But I’ve learned to let it go. Being angry at anyone is draining and takes a lot of work. It took some time for me to realize but while I was giving him the silent treatment, I was also punishing myself. I’ve learned to communicate effectively and just let things go!

Our experience in counseling was minimally challenging so we still have work to do. Keep a strong marriage counselor as a contact, as you would keep a good plumber. It will be one of the best investments you’ll ever make.

Do you regularly see a marriage counselor?